The art of receiving feedback: Understanding our triggers

Feedback is a vital source of learning; the ability to seek and receive well feedback is likely to create higher job satisfaction, greater creativity, faster adaptation to the new position or company and in the end more meaningful work. Receiving feedback well does not necessarily mean accepting the feedback, it means engaging in the conversation skill-fully, making good choices on whether and how to use the information and managing emotional triggers. But first, what is feedback? It is basically any information about yourself that can serve different purposes:

• Appreciation: it is about offering motivation or encouragement.
• Coaching: it is about helping someone to learn and grow.
• Evaluation: it is about telling us where we stand against an implicit/explicit benchmark.

When we get defensive because of a feedback, our reaction is usually driven by different kinds of triggers. Understanding our triggers and sorting out what set them off are the keys to managing our reactions and engaging in feedback conversations with skill.

Truth Triggers

They are sparked when we believe that the content of the feedback is wrong, unfair or unhelpful, usually because…

• We mix up the feedback types: It is helpful to understand what type of feedback you are getting, as different situations may call for different types of feedback. Ask for the type of feedback you want, and prepare to negotiate if the other person wants to give you a different type of feedback.
• We’re blind to our blind spots: We literally don’t see ourselves the way others do as we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our behavior (the messages our words, tone, face and body sends, affected by our emotions) and impact on them. We generally view ourselves more positively than others do, so we have to stay wary of that! If possible, record your interaction. When you listen to the recording, and you will get a better sense of how you come across to others. You can also get a second opinion from someone you trust.

• We misunderstand the feedback itself: Sometimes we fail to see things the same way because both sides (i) have different facts/information and (ii) interpret the same facts differently due to different assumptions and perceptions, probably because the use of ambiguous “labels”. Ask clarifying questions to find out what the feedback giver means.

Relationship Triggers

They are set off by the person giving the feedback; we respond to how we feel about them/our relationship instead of the content of the feedback.

We may resist feedback if we think the person giving it has questionable motives; on these cases, take same steps back and analyse your responsibility on the friction, and look at the big picture (including physical environment, and interaction of other people contributing to the issue).

Sometimes instead of hearing what the person is saying, we focus on our issues with the person, leading to “switch-track conversations”; when this happens, spot the topics, use “signposting” and listen for hidden issues.

Identity Triggers

Feedback can be threatening because it prompts serious questions/doubts about you (i.e: Are you a good person?). How you reacts to these identity threats depends on the circumstances (˜10%), your wiring (˜50%), and of the story you tell yourself / interpretation (˜40%).

Each of us have different levels of activity on each side of our brain as we have different connections (vary by as much as 3,000 percent among individuals), so we all have different temperaments, described by:

• Baseline: it is your“common” satisfaction level; over time, like water seeking its own level, we are pulled toward our baseline (studies of lottery winners have shown that a time after claiming their prize, winners are approximately as happy or unhappy as they were prior to the windfall).
• Swing: how sensitive you are (how “up” or “down” you can go); reactions to threats are always faster, stronger, and harder to inhibit than reactions to opportunities and pleasures, as they are triggered by the amygdala “red alarm” that evolved more than 100 million years ago.
• Sustain /recovery (positive / negative): how long it takes you to return to your baseline; our sustain and recovery tendencies can create virtuous and vicious cycles, as as we can re-trigger feelings by recalling a positive or negative feedback. Because how long you sustain negative feelings operates independently, there are four posible tendencies:

Understanding your wiring will help you to understand your own emotional reactions when receiving feedback, and so, how they influence your thoughts. Stories are made not only of thoughts but of feelings, as we don’t experience them as separate; it’s similar to the way a music soundtrack works in a movie: if you are already in a dark mood, you’ll tell a darker story.

THOUGHTS + FEELINGS = STORY

So..if our stories are a result of our feelings plus our thoughts, then we can change our stories by working to change either our feelings or our thoughts.

To be on equilibrium when receiving feedback, you should beware of common distortion patterns, predictable ways that feelings distort our stories:

• Google bias (our past): we “google” based on our feelings, focusing only on some past failures; suddenly what comes to mind is all the damning evidence of earlier poor choices, and bygone bad behavior.
• Not one thing, everything (our present): if you’re in the grip of strong emotion, negative feedback floods across boundaries into other areas of your self-image
• The forever bias (our future): When we feel bad, we assume we will always feel bad that feedback will live forever.

In order to understand and assess the feedback, we first have to dismantle the distortions; it means finding ways to turn down the volume on that ominous soundtrack playing in our minds so that we can hear the dialogue more clearly. Below are five strategies that help:

• BE PREPARED AND MINDFUL: Be aware of your particular patterns so that you can recognise your usual reaction and name it to yourself in the moment. If you name it, you have some power over it. It’s also useful to think in advance about the conversation, as it can give us a preview of our reactions. Inoculate yourself against the worst, and reason through the possible consequences; this is a reminder that whatever the outcome, you’ll be able to manage.
• SEPARATE THE STRANDS: FEELING / STORY / FEEDBACK: Do this by asking yourself : 1) What do I feel? (Name the feelings) 2)What’s the story I’m telling ? (don’t worry about whether it’s true or false, listen to ti and identify the “threat”) 3) What’s the actual feedback? What was said? (“peel back that story)”
• CONTAIN THE STORY: The goal is to right-size the feedback, develop a realistic and healthy sense of what might happen and respond in line with these reasonable possibilities. Usually, asking “what is this feedback not about?” gives you a structured way of staying balanced (i.e :What is feedback about? Whether a person loves you; What isn’t about?Whether you are lovable or you’ll find love). Sometimes it also helps to get more visual (i.e using a a pie chart to see real proportions).
• CHANGE YOUR VANTAGE POINT: Imagine how you might react if instead of being “the object” you were the friend, the sibling, the observer. Once you’ve shifted perspectives in this way, you can take your own advice. You can also try looking back on your life from the vantage point of ten or twenty or forty years from now: Today feels big right now, but from the perspective of many days hence, it will look pretty small.
• ACCEPT THAT YOU CAN’T CONTROL WHAT OTHERS SEE: It is understandable that we care how others see us, as we need their perspective on us in order to see ourselves clearly; but, we have to accept the fact that how others see us is something we can’t fully control. We can discuss it, but you we can’t make them think something different about us. Don’t dismiss their view of you, but don’t accept them wholesale either. Their views are input, not imprint.